You know what she’s doing. You know, and it breaks your heart. You want to hold her close, to let her cry and scream and kick and let it out as much as she wanted, but you knew she wouldn’t. So instead you give her a soft kiss on the cheek, putting everything you felt for her into it. “I love you, Rox,” you say honestly, giving her a smile. “And I’m always gonna be here for you, as long as you’re here for me. Deal?”
You’re holding his hand, and you’re shaking, just the slightest. Your voice cracks a little in your response, and you only curse yourself more for letting it. “Deal.”
You’re weak and you hate yourself for it. You hate yourself so much. You shouldn’t show him, shouldn’t let him know you’re anything less than 100%, but you want help, you’re so desperate for the pain to stop, that you’re willing to ruin his happiness in the process. You’re sick, Roxy. You’re evil. You’re everything wrong with reality and you never should have existed outside your programming. Fuck, you never should have been coded in the first place. But here you are, letting your weakness take hold, control you, move you into doing terrible things that you never should have considered. You’re a program. A tool. How dare you, a freak, take up the time of an alpha. You should be ashamed of yourself.